10 Things That Weird Me Out

In no particular order:

1 - Families who kiss on the mouth. It's weird... just plain weird.
2 - When someone grabs my hand in the middle of a high-five. Occasionally, this type of person may even shake the hand, midair. Somewhat intuitively, I refer to these interlopers as "high-five grabbers."
3 - Men who urinate with one hand on their waists. This man is typically easy to identify: he tends to wear ties to occasions at which ties are not necessarily merited, he may have a gaudy ring from his alma mater on the pinky of his left hand, he gives a firm handshake, and he possess an overly hearty belly laugh.
4 - Nacho cheese. If it's liquid at room temperature, it's not cheese.
5 - Couples who refer to each other as "babe". This includes all subsequent permutations and other frivolous pet names that come to mind.
6 - Wirey facial hair. Typically backlit by pasty, white flesh which further deepens the contrast, this folicle anomaly is particularly disturbing on men but is even more so if found on women. Some have even coined the term "pubey" to describe this type of facial foliage.
7 - When people let their pets lick them on the face. Any tongue that has recently made contact with the ass-end of a house pet should never find itself anywhere near a human face.
8 - Mustard. It's gross.
9 - Body odor/bad breath. What makes body odor and bad breath especially nauseating is that those who typically possess these qualities also seem to lack a sense of personal space.
10 - Hearing the elderly discuss physical intimacy. Certain memories from "back in the day" should remain unvoiced until the grave.

San Diego County Fair

Being a raised in southern California, it's a wonder that I've never been to the San Diego County Fair before. Wednesday was the first time. It was pretty standard really. All the normal fair fare was there: funnel cakes, fried Twinkies, creepy carnival ride operators, etc. Afterwards, I realized a few things about fairs and carnivals in general.

1) No machinery newer than 1987 is still in operation, particularly the thrill rides. Sure they may have masked these mechanisms of mirth with modern music and some fresh grease, but nothing could conceal the clashing, neon color schemes and poorly conceived theming concepts that only the glam rock of the '80s could have been responsible for. Every ride looks like it belongs in the backdrop of a Poison concert.

2) Fairs have the highest concentration of germs per capita after that of a gas station bathroom. It doesn't matter what you touch; it IS sticky. The only thing that can make it worse is to remember that it has been sticky with the same gunk that it has been there since Vanilla Ice was cool. It makes you think about why the only place you'll find a black light in is the House of Mirrors. What's more is that people not only tolerate the blatant filth; they embrace it. Dirty, little fried food stands that you would never even DREAM of eating from while off the fair grounds--much less pay $7 for a hot dog at--are "okay" because they are part of a greater conglomerate of dirty, little fried food stands.

3) Aside from being enormous, festive petri dishes, there are those infamous gypsy-folk known as "carnies". We are known to them as "normies". No one likes them, but for some reason people still can't stay away from fairs. My personal favorites are the ones that operate those frustrating, unbeatable games. I suspect they are in the same family as telemarketers and street vendors. Once you start a conversation or make eye contact, good luck getting rid of them. As I listened to their sales pitches though, I actually came to believe that they sound more like male prostitutes trying to solicit suitors than game operators in a family friendly environment. Everything they say sounds inappropriate just because THEY are the ones who said it. There's nothing like the voice of a chain smoker under a rack of stuffed Sesame Street characters calling out "Hey, pretty lady, come over here if you want a good time. I might even give you an Elmo."

4) The prize winning animals always look like "special needs" animals. This concerns me. What do the animals I eat look like?

4) The worthless junk show: every fair has one. Rows of booths filled with useless junk. "Italian" leather, foot massagers, sushi makers, you name it. There's all sorts of stuff. Nearly everything boasts "As seen on TV!" or "Not sold in stores!" which as we all know, really means "It's a piece of s***! Don't buy it!" However, I would be lying if I didn't admit that this is one of the most entertaining things to witness at the fair. I can't help but be mesmerized by the man with a headset microphone saw through a block of wood with a kitchen knife. "But wait! There's more! If you buy now, I'll include the SUPER-DUPER KABLAMMY SHAMMY! It's SOOOO absorbent, if it touches bare skin, it will suck all of the moisture right out of your body!"

Planet Green

I know that the beginning of this commercial might be a little alarming, but the ending is totally worth it. I laugh EVERY time.

Dream

Last night, I awoke from a dream

I dreamed my life was a lie

Like nothing that I've ever known

What was life before death arrived?

I dreamt of the things men were never meant to see

A snake on the ground and a rose veiled in thorns

I ate of the fruit and I drank of the spring

All I wanted, I long for no more

I whispered in the ear of a gun

"Please, let me go."

I opened my eyes and my brother was dead

His blood was on my head

We were loved just the same, but I envied his name

Death now seeks me out, and I've no one to blame

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust

Nerves thought to be steel have begun to rust

I asked her to bring me more wine
But all she brought was more blood

Thirst is not known to be wise

I drank it all to find it was mine

I burned down the bridge and I shot my own horse

I cannot find shelter from my own remorse

If I could only remember the day that death died

The day it hung from a tree, why didn't I cry?

How can one remember over all the noise?

Volume clouds judgment;

Intensity substance

Turn it down

"Be still..."

Today, I awoke from a dream

I dreamed that I was alive

Like nothing known before

I remember the day that death died

I dreamed of the things men had forfeit to see

The smile of the earth, the face of the Maker

I can eat of the fruit and drink from the spring

More than I need, I can ask for no more