San Diego County Fair

Being a raised in southern California, it's a wonder that I've never been to the San Diego County Fair before. Wednesday was the first time. It was pretty standard really. All the normal fair fare was there: funnel cakes, fried Twinkies, creepy carnival ride operators, etc. Afterwards, I realized a few things about fairs and carnivals in general.

1) No machinery newer than 1987 is still in operation, particularly the thrill rides. Sure they may have masked these mechanisms of mirth with modern music and some fresh grease, but nothing could conceal the clashing, neon color schemes and poorly conceived theming concepts that only the glam rock of the '80s could have been responsible for. Every ride looks like it belongs in the backdrop of a Poison concert.

2) Fairs have the highest concentration of germs per capita after that of a gas station bathroom. It doesn't matter what you touch; it IS sticky. The only thing that can make it worse is to remember that it has been sticky with the same gunk that it has been there since Vanilla Ice was cool. It makes you think about why the only place you'll find a black light in is the House of Mirrors. What's more is that people not only tolerate the blatant filth; they embrace it. Dirty, little fried food stands that you would never even DREAM of eating from while off the fair grounds--much less pay $7 for a hot dog at--are "okay" because they are part of a greater conglomerate of dirty, little fried food stands.

3) Aside from being enormous, festive petri dishes, there are those infamous gypsy-folk known as "carnies". We are known to them as "normies". No one likes them, but for some reason people still can't stay away from fairs. My personal favorites are the ones that operate those frustrating, unbeatable games. I suspect they are in the same family as telemarketers and street vendors. Once you start a conversation or make eye contact, good luck getting rid of them. As I listened to their sales pitches though, I actually came to believe that they sound more like male prostitutes trying to solicit suitors than game operators in a family friendly environment. Everything they say sounds inappropriate just because THEY are the ones who said it. There's nothing like the voice of a chain smoker under a rack of stuffed Sesame Street characters calling out "Hey, pretty lady, come over here if you want a good time. I might even give you an Elmo."

4) The prize winning animals always look like "special needs" animals. This concerns me. What do the animals I eat look like?

4) The worthless junk show: every fair has one. Rows of booths filled with useless junk. "Italian" leather, foot massagers, sushi makers, you name it. There's all sorts of stuff. Nearly everything boasts "As seen on TV!" or "Not sold in stores!" which as we all know, really means "It's a piece of s***! Don't buy it!" However, I would be lying if I didn't admit that this is one of the most entertaining things to witness at the fair. I can't help but be mesmerized by the man with a headset microphone saw through a block of wood with a kitchen knife. "But wait! There's more! If you buy now, I'll include the SUPER-DUPER KABLAMMY SHAMMY! It's SOOOO absorbent, if it touches bare skin, it will suck all of the moisture right out of your body!"